Thursday, September 30, 2010

If I Had A Human Job

I have given this a lot of thought lately, mostly due to the fact that my sister dogs are coming in covered in dirt and truck grease and it's obvious what they would be if they were human and could get a job.

Sarah Beagle would be a long distance runner. She'd win several gold medals and set records in marathons. She's that good. Seriously. She runs laps around our yard just for fun. When we run, I clip the edges of the laps and make short cuts so I can edge ahead of her. It's not cheating. She likes it. Olive Badger, meanwhile, just doubles back on the loop to jump out and scare Sarah. So far, Sarah isn't scared. She just grins and races past us both.

Olive Badger is a truck girl. My goodness she loves it when Dad's on his back under the truck. She's right there with him, inspecting his work, checking out numerous things on the under carriage. Last night she was making him turn pages in the truck parts catalog as she checked out each page. Not sure what her plan is, but from the amount of grease on her fur, she spends a lot of time under the truck thinking of how it can be made better. I admit, I'm too big to get under the truck, but even if I was a tiny pocket sized badger dog, I would not go under there. Ew.

But as for thoughts of myself, I have no idea.

I think the job I'm perfectly suited for is that of being a dog.

I know. Shocking.

Thank God I'm just that! A perfectly perfect Beagle.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Am An O.E.

Dear family, you may not have noticed this but I am an O. E. An Over Eater.

Oh. You did notice? What was your first clue?

Unattended food gets snatched up in a heartbeat? I stand with my paws on the dining room table looking for scraps? I'll eat all the food you give me and beg for more? Coffee with real cream in it is my favorite treat to steal?

Oh. It was all of that and my extra pounds?


Well, don't blame me. It's in my genes. Didn't you know Beagles are notorious chow hounds?

You did? And you're okay with that? Cool.

But let me understand, you are not okay with me getting food off the table? Okay. I'll try to follow that rule.

Hey, I said I'd try! But on pizza night, all bets are off.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Trials Of Having A Squirrel For A Neighbor

Things in our neighborhood have gone down hill while we were on vacation.

A squirrel moved into our trees and has set up housekeeping.

The thing is, he is not a very good housekeeper. The girls and I are finding his nut shells all over the yard. And he loves to sit on a stump right next to our porch and nibble on things. There is a huge pile of squirrel trash there.

The girls have been actively trying to dig the stump out. So far it has resulted in three large holes and stump that hasn't budge.

We take turns barking up his trees, but so far he just laughs at us. He jumps from the trees to the porch or the fence and he's fast. So very fast.

Plus, he's often just on the outside edge of our fence and we can't get to him without getting into trouble.

I think he knows that and is just over that line to tease us.

It's a trial. One I am starting to be resigned to. Olive Badger and Sarah Beagle have not come to that same conclusion, but as I tried to tell them this morning when we discovered further evidence of that squirrel scampering all over our yard, it could be worse.

It could be a rat.

I'll take this nose thumbing squirrel any day of the week over a rat. I'm shuddering just writing it.

So I will go back to resting on the porch chairs. The girls can stand watch if they want to. I'm half giving up. Only half, mind you, since I do enjoy a good barking and the squirrel gives me a chance to do that!

Friday, September 17, 2010

I Am Not A Fru-Fru Dog

Today I was beyond excited when Mom put the other two dogs in their crates, but bid me to come outside and go for a car ride. I ran right for the car and danced by the door until she opened it.

When we parked downtown, I could not believe it. Oh my gosh! The scents! The people! The everything! Walking downtown is so totally cool and I never get to do it!

Then we stopped at the most interesting smelling place of all. I should have been more nervous, but I was blissfully unaware of anything out of the ordinary until Mom picked me up and handed me over to a stranger!

She literally picked me up and gave me away!

I was taken into a room with about ten other dogs. Ladies were brushing fur and trimming nails and it was my turn next. I could see Mom as she stood outside. I spent the next ten minutes (the longest of my life, I assure you) staring at her, hoping she knew I was not happy with this turn of events, while a nice girl clipped my claws.

When she was done, she turned to Mom and held up a purple bandanna and asked if Mom wanted my neck tie to match my collar. Who did that girl think I was? Some kind of fru-fru dog?

I have never been more relieved than when Mom said no thanks to any scarfs, bows or ribbons.

Actually, I was more relieved when I was let down and got to go back out to my Mom.

The whole thing was not fun. Except the car ride. And walking downtown. Those things were actually pretty fun. And I did get extra treats. That's always nice.

But the nail clipping part, that was just not cool.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Snoopy Is A Beagle

I saw something so disturbing yesterday, I could not stop thinking about it. It was horrifying actually.

A car drove by covered with stickers proclaiming the drivers love of basset hounds. Basset's are cool, almost like a Beagle. Almost. So many stickers, which while I enjoy my Mom's one Beagle sticker, I would be embarrassed if she added more. There is a sticker to crazy ratio that we all should be aware of.

But right smack in the middle of all those bassets and loving stickers, was a sticker of Snoopy.

I can't help but think the implications are that Snoopy is a Basset.

Oh no. No, no, no, no.

Snoopy is a Beagle. It says so on Wikipedia, just in case anyone doubts me. But how could you? Snoopy is iconic. We all know he is a Beagle.


I'm still scarred from what I saw.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I Can Explain About The Garbage Can

Mom, I can explain. For reals.

I know you came into the kitchen and were shocked to see me standing with my head in the garbage can. I know that's bad. I know I'm not supposed to do that.

But I watched you throw out some perfectly good mac and cheese that the little kids didn't eat. It was perfectly good! I stood right next to you, with my best begging eyes going full blast, yet you tossed all that food into the garbage.

I couldn't resist. I know you know what I'm talking about. I may or may not have seen you eat a couple wooden spoonfuls straight out of the pan.....

And I'm also sorry. So very sorry.

Sorry I got caught! You have to give me props for not knocking over the can, for being able to open the lid and get what I want without disturbing anything. If you hadn't walked in and saw me, you'd never have known I ate anything.

I'm that good.